If you've read my recent post you'll know i'm not in a very good place at the moment, publishing the post that I did on Friday brought waves of support from friends all around the country I've even had calls and texts from old friends, some of whom I didn't realise knew my blog existed. The comments and messages have brought tears to my eyes, knowing I'm not alone helps it really does.
However it's still not enough...
Something needs to be done and I know that I am the only person who can do that. I need to do something about it. My husband and I spent most of the weekend talking, I didn't realise how much I had been able to hide from him but it became obvious he was unaware of the true extent of my struggles. I think a problem is I am so good at compartmentalizing as I have to function I have look after my children and do all the day to day things so my way of getting through them is hiding the pain away, usually that works as a coping strategy, but not so much recently.
On Monday I went to the doctors, I tried to explain how I was feeling but I don't think he really got it. I have been referred to a single point of access service and will receive a letter at some point.
I have to say I was disappointed, I don't know what it was that I expected but after taking the huge step of talking to a stranger about how I was feeling I guess I thought I would have some sort of outcome, a next step on the ladder to sorting myself out.
Maybe I was expecting too much from the NHS?
Maybe it was my fault and I didn't say enough?
Maybe he just didn't listen?
I don't know...
Either way I was now in a place where I had started to ask for help so I wasn't going to stop. With support from friends I contacted a counselling service again and this time surprisingly cried for only a small part of the 90 minute phone call. I will be speaking to them again.
Friends have helped too, last night I met up with two local friends who have been really supportive online this week, it was really cathartic, we chatted about everything and anything only briefly touching on my 'problems' but I realised I wasn't alone and I wasn't crazy. (Two good things to know really!)
Although the couple of hours I spent out were great, looking back on yesterday, I realise I'm just not myself at the moment. I really struggled to get dressed and leave the house. I was waiting some time for my tram on the way home and I started to struggle, anxiety was coming to the surface rather quickly, and I could feel my self panicking, it was all ok in the end, the tram came and I got home, but I'm not used to feeling so vulnerable.
On Friday when I wrote my last post, I felt like I couldn't keep up with the blog any more, I was behind on promises and deadlines and was close to making the decision to catch up and then stop altogether. It was a shame as three years work have gone into this site and it is almost like a third child to me, but I just couldn't see a way forward with how I was feeling.
Then on Sunday night while I was bathing the children, a message popped up on my phone to congratulate me, confused I thought I'd won some sort of giveaway so put it aside until the children were in bed. I then looked again and what I saw absolutely overwhelmed me.
My Mummy's Pennies had been voted a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards for Best Thrifty Blog. I have to admit the first thing I did was cry. This would mean more pressure, pressure that I wasn't sure I was able to handle...
As the week went on though I had so many lovely messages and tweets that I realised that it is a positive thing as it gives me a reason to continue with My Mummy's Pennies and it shows that (some) people want to read my ramblings...
I have no expectations of winning but quite like the idea of getting a new frock and meeting my fellow finalists at the Awards bash in September.